Today I wake up to you
and I don't want to move
at all
I cannot be with you
We cannot be together
I just don't work with you.
You flood my whole being and I am thrown into despair
Flatlined once again.

When you arrive you slowly start to take over
You invade my thoughts
Swarm around in my head
You take a hold of me so tightly I cannot breathe
You consume me
So much
that I cannot find me.

Underwater,
Hardly breathing,
Unsure of where the surface is,
Unable to see in the darkness,
Drowning in the thoughts, the stories, crashing through my head,
I forget how to breath when I cannot see the light,
Suffocating.

I breathe into the shadows
delving beneath the displayed exterior
of me.

I sit in the shadows
without prodding or probing
I sit and I sit
in the shadows of me
following the inhales and the
exhalations
feeling the rise and fall
within.

I feel into the shadows
ever-so sweetly
ever-so tenderly
exploring with my breath,
not tearing into the places that are ripped, torn, tortured,
beaten and blue,
Broken.

I sit next to the shadows
right outside the door
[with open arms]
breathing into the tapestry
of my tender heart.

I stay unmoving
in the shadows
no clenched fists a-knocking
as you start to unwind, uncurl
cautiously
feeling into this unknown territory
with me
breathing,
next to you.

If you wish to stay exactly where you are
I will stay with you
Feel you
Love you
just the same
and even more.

And when I feel you slowly unravelling,
cracking a bit more
I will stay,
I will sit
with you,
until you are ready,
ready
to come in to me
completely.

I will sit
with you
eternally.

I'm not interested if you can move quickly from one pose to the next
forcing efforting pushing
yourself
on automatic pilot.

I'm not interested in your fancy footing
parading
grandstanding
circus posing
with the crowd
at your feet
looking up to you.

I'm interested if you can move into the pose
with your breath as your guide
as your guru.
Expanding, contracting
with your precious inhales and
EX-halations.
Moving you deeper,
or steadying you exactly where you are.

I'm interested if you can move
from one pose to the next with
with the caress of your breath
moving in you
sweetly.
Allowing the waves of inhales and exhales
to move you
with gravity on your side.

I'm interested if you can sit in a pose
that you don't very much like
and if you can breathe into the uncomfortableness
with your insides squirming,
your mind screaming
the furthest away from peace
the furthest way from bliss
that your mind tells you
you are.

I'm interested if you can sit in the darkness,
sit in the swirl of your chaotic mind,
in the internal tornado
disturbing you to the core.

I'm interested if you can be so fully present
with yourself,
if you can be uncomfortably comfortable
in this pose that you do not like.
If you can gaze sweetly at everything that comes up.
The anger, the rage, the sadness, the loneliness, the heartache,
the heartbreak, the melancholy,
the colliding chorus of emotions
that smash right into you,
in this pose.

I'm interested if you can sit in the vast ocean
in the murky waters
with wave after wave of everything that chooses to emerge
deep from within
where you mind doesn't care to go.

I'm interested if you can sit as still as can be
with all that is chaotically colliding
swirling and churning inside of you.

I'm interested if you can send your inhale
into the darkness
into the unknown
and retrieve your exhale
and begin again,
and again.
Giving the vast chasms of your soul
the sweetest caress
of your breath
with the most precious gift of your undivided
focused
one-sighted
single-minded
penetrating
attention.

I'm interested if you can sit with wave after wave
of the darkest unknown
allowing your inhales and
exhalations
to be with the stormiest of storms within.

[Lakshmi arose from the depths of it all
from turmoil,
from chaos
she emerged.
And she my friend
is within you.]

Underneath
what you perceive to be quite horrible,
buried deep within
are the most exquisite gifts
perhaps unimaginable
to you.
And I'm interested if you care
if you dare,
to allow them to emerge,
to rise to the surface
out of the crevices deep inside,
out of the darkness
And allow them to be seen.
Breathing
into all
and everything
in this pose.

This is what I am interested in.

© Jackie L Hutchings

How lovely to sit with you
with no plan in this moment
no expectations
just flow
organic conversation
emerging from a thread of a thread
moments before.

How lovely to share
word after word
sentence after sentence
thought after thought
story after story.

How lovely to share me with you
and for you to give me
the most precious
gift of all,
the gift of your presence,
your undivided attention
your eyes on me, listening with all of you.
Sometimes I'm still surprised by such a gift,
when I'm now used to sharing
with one's eyes
elsewhere,
anywhere but here,
empty presence, if you will.

And sometimes I am overwhelmed
by the precious gift of your presence
and
I falter,
for a moment,
and then I'm back with you,
In this moment
with our fullest attention.

How lovely to sit with you
and not feel rushed,
and to know that I don't have to edit my story down,
and down,
and down,
to the bones,
leaving all the juicy stuff out,
because I can see your eyes,
your presence,
wander away,
to your phone
or over my shoulder,
already onto the next thing
although you are in front of me
in conversation, like so many do.

How lovely that you shared with me
 the precious gift of presence.
Your presence
with me.
In this moment.
And the next and the next.

How lovely to briefly wonder
if you have something to do
some place to be
in a moment or two,
or in an hour
or three,
but not know,
for your eyes
did not wander
to your phone
or to the door,
or anywhere but here.

How lovely to know that maybe
you had a something to do,
or a somewhere to be,
but you did not bring the future here
 between the present, the presence of us.
How lovely to wonder, but not know.

How lovely to sit with you
and for you to share with me
pieces of you
moments of yesterdays
moments of joy
of beauty
of sorrow
of pain.
And be with it all,
together,
in these moments.

How lovely to sit with you
and me
and to be so very present. With you
and me.
Not bothering about the next thing and the next.
Giving each other the gift of attention
so precious
such a coveted commodity.
This, I realized I craved so much,
so very clear
by the tears,
gently forming
in my eyes
as I breathe
as I type.

How lovely to see me as I saw you.
Delighted
interested
immersed.
In the flow
of you and me.
Following
the meandering, wandering, wondering, curves and swerves
of my mind
and yours.
On the same page
the same road
the same journey
in this moment,
in these moments.

I yearn for moments
like these.
I cherish
I treasure
and am so very grateful for
these moments.

How lovely to sit with you
in this moment
with your gift of absolute presence.

How so very lovely.

© Jackie L Hutchings

I awake every morning not knowing what to expect
I don’t always greet you with a smile or a sweet embrace
I turn over, shrink away
I close my eyes.

Why are you here? I don’t know what to do with you
I pull the covers over me
I lie in the darkness
Unmoving
Unwelcoming
Unwilling
To greet you
To invite you in.

You make me uncomfortable
You slam into me the moment I drift into consciousness
And I feel stuck.
My arms remain by my side
The covers trying to smother you
To push you away
Unwilling to be with you even for a moment.

Every morning the same,
Something different.

Every morning you come
unwanted
uninvited
I can't breathe.
Stuck within
I try to acknowledge you
just for a moment.
And then a moment more.
I try.

Every morning I awaken to a different aspect of me
Every morning I try to embrace what lies within
Every morning the same,
Something different.

And perhaps one morning,
every morning
I will greet each of you with a smile, a sweet embrace
Knowing that you are all part of me.
And perhaps one morning,
every morning, my breath will caress you.

And perhaps one morning,
every morning,
you will become
the invited.

© Jackie L Hutchings

Deep down below the surface of everything I know
you are waiting
for me

To lead me
guide me
fill me

Yet I see darkness
and flashes
like a movie playing in hyper speed.

Everything
blurs
swirls
engulfs me
all at once.

I am lost

I am scared

I cannot stay

I know you're there but I sense too much
it's all in me
I cannot breathe.

© Jackie L Hutchings

Don't rush this conversation
Barreling into each other
Thoughtlessly ploughing through one another.

Pause
Listen
with your mouth closed.
Listen
without trying to get in everything you want to say.
Listen.
Ignore the chatter clattering through your mind.
Listen with your eyes and your ears. Preciously.

Give them all of you in this moment.
Listen
Lovingly.
Your undivided attention
the most precious gift of all.

© Jackie L Hutchings

Don't Rush onto the next thing and the next.
Stay. With what's here. Now. In front of you.
Your focus narrowed
To what's right here.

Don't rush onto the next thing
When this thing is still present,
Stay,
finish, with focused attention,
devotion.

Don't rush onto the next thing
Even when you're done with this thing.
Stay
Linger
in the pause
in between
this thing and the next.
Breathe. Into the space around you.
Creating more space with each breath.
Between each breath.

Don't rush
from this moment
of spacious nothingness.

Don't rush away
Denying yourself this precious gift,
the presence of you.

Don't rush  
Don't desert yourself once again.
Don't turn your back on the space between it all.
Stay. A while.
Sit.
Breath.
Listen.
In the space between it all.

Don't rush off
Leaving the gentle dripping of sadness in the depths of your soul.
Don't rush away from the beauty flowing inside.
Leaving it there. Dormant. Treasures hidden deep.

Don't rush away
from this beautiful moment
pregnant with possibility.
Full of nothing.
Full of everything.

Don't rush,
Stay a while,
Linger luxuriously.
Creating
space
between this moment
and the next.

Don't rush
away from the intimacy that lies waiting.

Don't rush.

© Jackie L Hutchings