Today I wake up to you
and I don't want to move
at all
I cannot be with you
We cannot be together
I just don't work with you.
You flood my whole being and I am thrown into despair
Flatlined once again.

When you arrive you slowly start to take over
You invade my thoughts
Swarm around in my head
You take a hold of me so tightly I cannot breathe
You consume me
So much
that I cannot find me.

Underwater,
Hardly breathing,
Unsure of where the surface is,
Unable to see in the darkness,
Drowning in the thoughts, the stories, crashing through my head,
I forget how to breath when I cannot see the light,
Suffocating.

I breathe into the shadows
delving beneath the displayed exterior
of me.

I sit in the shadows
without prodding or probing
I sit and I sit
in the shadows of me
following the inhales and the
exhalations
feeling the rise and fall
within.

I feel into the shadows
ever-so sweetly
ever-so tenderly
exploring with my breath,
not tearing into the places that are ripped, torn, tortured,
beaten and blue,
Broken.

I sit next to the shadows
right outside the door
[with open arms]
breathing into the tapestry
of my tender heart.

I stay unmoving
in the shadows
no clenched fists a-knocking
as you start to unwind, uncurl
cautiously
feeling into this unknown territory
with me
breathing,
next to you.

If you wish to stay exactly where you are
I will stay with you
Feel you
Love you
just the same
and even more.

And when I feel you slowly unravelling,
cracking a bit more
I will stay,
I will sit
with you,
until you are ready,
ready
to come in to me
completely.

I will sit
with you
eternally.

I'm not interested if you can move quickly from one pose to the next
forcing efforting pushing
yourself
on automatic pilot.

I'm not interested in your fancy footing
parading
grandstanding
circus posing
with the crowd
at your feet
looking up to you.

I'm interested if you can move into the pose
with your breath as your guide
as your guru.
Expanding, contracting
with your precious inhales and
EX-halations.
Moving you deeper,
or steadying you exactly where you are.

I'm interested if you can move
from one pose to the next with
with the caress of your breath
moving in you
sweetly.
Allowing the waves of inhales and exhales
to move you
with gravity on your side.

I'm interested if you can sit in a pose
that you don't very much like
and if you can breathe into the uncomfortableness
with your insides squirming,
your mind screaming
the furthest away from peace
the furthest way from bliss
that your mind tells you
you are.

I'm interested if you can sit in the darkness,
sit in the swirl of your chaotic mind,
in the internal tornado
disturbing you to the core.

I'm interested if you can be so fully present
with yourself,
if you can be uncomfortably comfortable
in this pose that you do not like.
If you can gaze sweetly at everything that comes up.
The anger, the rage, the sadness, the loneliness, the heartache,
the heartbreak, the melancholy,
the colliding chorus of emotions
that smash right into you,
in this pose.

I'm interested if you can sit in the vast ocean
in the murky waters
with wave after wave of everything that chooses to emerge
deep from within
where you mind doesn't care to go.

I'm interested if you can sit as still as can be
with all that is chaotically colliding
swirling and churning inside of you.

I'm interested if you can send your inhale
into the darkness
into the unknown
and retrieve your exhale
and begin again,
and again.
Giving the vast chasms of your soul
the sweetest caress
of your breath
with the most precious gift of your undivided
focused
one-sighted
single-minded
penetrating
attention.

I'm interested if you can sit with wave after wave
of the darkest unknown
allowing your inhales and
exhalations
to be with the stormiest of storms within.

[Lakshmi arose from the depths of it all
from turmoil,
from chaos
she emerged.
And she my friend
is within you.]

Underneath
what you perceive to be quite horrible,
buried deep within
are the most exquisite gifts
perhaps unimaginable
to you.
And I'm interested if you care
if you dare,
to allow them to emerge,
to rise to the surface
out of the crevices deep inside,
out of the darkness
And allow them to be seen.
Breathing
into all
and everything
in this pose.

This is what I am interested in.

© Jackie L Hutchings

I awake every morning not knowing what to expect
I don’t always greet you with a smile or a sweet embrace
I turn over, shrink away
I close my eyes.

Why are you here? I don’t know what to do with you
I pull the covers over me
I lie in the darkness
Unmoving
Unwelcoming
Unwilling
To greet you
To invite you in.

You make me uncomfortable
You slam into me the moment I drift into consciousness
And I feel stuck.
My arms remain by my side
The covers trying to smother you
To push you away
Unwilling to be with you even for a moment.

Every morning the same,
Something different.

Every morning you come
unwanted
uninvited
I can't breathe.
Stuck within
I try to acknowledge you
just for a moment.
And then a moment more.
I try.

Every morning I awaken to a different aspect of me
Every morning I try to embrace what lies within
Every morning the same,
Something different.

And perhaps one morning,
every morning
I will greet each of you with a smile, a sweet embrace
Knowing that you are all part of me.
And perhaps one morning,
every morning, my breath will caress you.

And perhaps one morning,
every morning,
you will become
the invited.

© Jackie L Hutchings

Don't rush this conversation
Barreling into each other
Thoughtlessly ploughing through one another.

Pause
Listen
with your mouth closed.
Listen
without trying to get in everything you want to say.
Listen.
Ignore the chatter clattering through your mind.
Listen with your eyes and your ears. Preciously.

Give them all of you in this moment.
Listen
Lovingly.
Your undivided attention
the most precious gift of all.

© Jackie L Hutchings

Last night I was lured outside. By the whispers of the night. Right outside my window. Beckoning me. Drawing me closer. I opened my door and stepped into the darkness. She wrapped herself around me and whispered gently in my ear. Tears began to flow like gentle rain pouring from a leaf. There I was, outside, in the thick of it all. A symphony of sounds enveloped my ears and I couldn't do anything but listen. I delighted in the lush melodies that flowed through me. Filled me. So much that I almost couldn't take it. Holding it all inside. For a moment. My breath paused. Until I remembered to exhale. And inhale with darkness wrapped around me. Her enchanting rhythm flowing, pulsing through me. Moving me. In my stillness. Filling me up. Emptying out. I stood. In her stillness. Prana and nature moving me. To tears. In the darkness of the night.

© Jackie L Hutchings